The Sacred Sandwich: A Periodical for Small Town Christians in the Big Bad World

LEAGUE NEWS FROM THE PRESIDENT

WE ARE CALLED AS SIMPLE MEN OF SIMPLE MEANS

Greetings, faithful readers, and welcome to the Spring edition of The Sacred Sandwich.

For those who knew our late brother Constant Joseph Arbuckle, it should come as no surprise that the League has finally adopted a proper motto which exemplifies the kind of Kingdom work that Bro. Arbuckle stood for, and for which the League hopes to further emulate: “A Mule. A Bible. A Mission.”

Bro. C.J. Arbuckle was a simple farmer by vocation, but after much wrestling with God over whether he should pursue the things of this world for the sake of comfort or accept his calling as a proclaimer of the Gospel for the sake of Christ, he succumbed to the prodding of the Spirit and with great joy became an itinerant country preacher and church planter in the County of Nodaway and beyond. The only possessions he had for his work were a mule named Truman and a tattered Bible; yet by the grace of God, he and his family’s comforts were always met as he pursued his humble ministry throughout the tri-state area. Though Bro. Arbuckle did not officially establish the League of Tyndale, his dedication to the Gospel was so profound among the people of Nodaway that it planted the seeds that would eventually grow into the League. Indeed, in later years, Bro. Arbuckle served two terms as president of the League, and was president emeritus until his death ten years ago.

I first met Bro. Arbuckle in the long, dark winter of my nineteenth year when boys of my age, full of spit and vinegar, were stymied by the oppressive siege of knee-deep snow and desperately searching for any activity to alleviate our colossal boredom. My friends Lydell Butterworth, Hamish Duff and I had taken into our minds to go ice fishing on Earl McGonigle‘s pond, though none of us had any experience with such an obscure sport. So severe was the monotony during that barren season that we were very excited at the prospect of taking an axe to the ice and sitting on lawn chairs in the frigid air with our fishing poles poised with great expectation. No doubt, this would be the highlight of our wintertime, right next to a sizzling game of Parcheesi with my Aunt Thelma.

NEW-AGER HITS HEAD, LOSES CHRIST-CONSCIOUSNESS

APRIL 2008 --- The last thing Gladys Pittman remembers is getting up from the couch after watching Oprah, tripping on her yoga meditation rug, and falling to the floor. After that, everything is a blur. But Gladys’ husband Frank witnessed the whole thing. “As soon as her head hit the floor, she was knocked Christ-unconscious,” he explained.

According to Frank, for several scary minutes after the accident Gladys began reading the Bible, talking about her sinfulness and her need for a Righteousness outside of herself. “She was speaking all sorts of gibberish,” said Frank, fighting back the tears as he remembered the ordeal. “I was afraid she was going to be a Baptist the rest of her life.”

Within the hour, however, Gladys slowly regained Christ-consciousness as Frank administered incense, low-lighting, and music by Yanni. By evening, she was back to normal and watching public television. “Luckily, PBS was showing a Wayne Dyer special during their fifteenth pledge drive of the year, and the program really seemed to bring Gladys to her original state of enlightenment,” said Frank. “Plus, she got a really cool PBS coffee mug with her $50 pledge.”

Looking back, Frank believes their close call is a lesson for everyone. "If you're going to have a Bible in the house," he warned, "make sure it's in a safe place where people with head trauma can't reach it."

Gladys, on the other hand, is just happy to put the horrifying incident behind her. “My inner divinity got a little boo-boo," she said, rubbing her head, "but I’m all centered now, praise Oprah!”

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Dear Twin Theologians: I caught my husband, Brad, in a major lie last week, but he says it's okay because King David lied in the Bible, too. Is he right? --- Marge Layton, Baton Rouge, LA

Maurice: Well, Marge, I think your husband's excuse is pretty lame. There's no way you can use David to justify lying, especially lying to your wife.

Emmett: I agree, Maurice. That's why I've recently written a new book that will help millions of people like Brad use the Bible more effectively. I've titled the book, "Justification by Proof-Text: 101 Biblical Loopholes for the Carnal Christian."

Maurice: You've GOT to be kidding.

Emmett: I know, I know. The title is a little weak, but I haven't figure out a way to put the words "purpose" and "driven" on the book cover without looking too obvious. Zondervan is watching, you know.