| In
an attempt to combat a severe drop in attendance every
time their popular preacher goes on summer vacation,
Marina Bay Community Church made the shocking
announcement that they have cloned their longtime
pastor, Rev. Spencer Klagg. To make this possible,
Marina Bay enlisted the help of RevClone, a new
Christian cloning facility in Southern California
dedicated to multiplying the current pool of dynamic
seeker-sensitive preachers.
“As a
cutting-edge mega church, we’re always looking for
innovative ways to grow our church, and DNA duplication just seemed like a no-brainer,” explained church
spokesman and elder, Clarence Ambrose. “Statistically
our lowest Sunday attendance is when Pastor Klagg is on
vacation and we have our associate pastor, Raymond
Elliot, fill in. No offense to Raymond, but the people think
Pastor Klagg’s sermon jokes are funnier.”
Added Ambrose with concern, “Quite frankly, Raymond
just doesn’t have the comic timing. In fact we’ve suggested
that he go out on the road and work on his material.”
By cloning
their pastor, Marina Bay hopes to fill their 3,000 seat
auditorium every Sunday, whether the original Pastor
Klagg is in the pulpit or not. During those times when Klagg is taking time off, his clone will perform the
pastoral duties in his stead, assuring the congregation
of no interruption in enjoying their pastor’s unique
spiritual gifts. “Not to mention keeping the weekly
offering at the same high level as the attendance,” Ambrose quipped wryly.
Not all church
members, however, are pleased with the cloning of Pastor
Klagg. Herman Tayback, a deacon for twenty years, is a
vocal critic of the RevClone project. “Am I the only
one creeping out over this? Last week the pastor was
performing a wedding while his clone was back home
mowing his lawn and taking out the garbage. I mean, are
we gaining a spare pastor for the church or a spare
husband for Mrs. Klagg?”
Tayback also
worries about possible theological ramifications. “Hey,
I’ve seen those science fiction movies where the clone
slowly goes insane because of a missing chromosome. What happens if
Klagg’s double goes mad and starts preaching on
sin and repentance, and we lose half the congregation?
Believe me, I’ve shared my concerns about this with
Pastor Klagg… at least I think I have… Ooo,
did anyone else just get a chill down their back?”
Regardless of
the criticism, RevClone’s head scientist Farnsworth
Diddle is quite proud of his work with Marina Bay, and
he envisions a wide application for this new cloning
technology. “Just think... pastors won’t just give
up their pulpits to Rick Warren’s purpose-driven
teachings, now they can give up their pulpits to one of Rick
Warren’s clones.”
Deacon Tayback
disagrees. “Don’t we have enough
Rick Warren clones in churches already?”
All in all,
Ambrose says Marina Bay is very pleased with the initial
reaction to their new genetically-created pastor. “Attendance
has never been better,” he reported happily. “But if
we ever start losing folks, we’re not worried. Our
contingency plan is to start cloning the congregation, too… Doesn’t science
work in mysterious ways?”
In related
news, associate pastor Raymond Elliot will be performing
August 15th at the “Laugh Factory” in
Dubuque, Iowa, during Open Mike Night.
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