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year after building a labyrinth prayer-walk in their church
courtyard to help facilitate a deeper spiritual
experience, Grace Universal Chapel has reported several
recent incidents of apparent “labyrinth rage.” Says
church spokesperson Claire Sungen, “When the labyrinth
gets crowded during meditation rush hour, it just seems
to bring out the worst in people. I’m glad when folks
are in a hurry to find their bliss, but do they really
have to cut people off to get to God first?”
Said one
frequent labyrinth user who wishes to remain anonymous,
“Hey, when I’m communing with the Spirit, I really
don’t appreciate some dude riding up on my rear end
because I’m walking too slow for his taste. He can
just cool his jets until I’ve become one with my
Higher Power.”
In response to
the problem, Grace Universal has hired a traffic officer
to patrol the labyrinth during peak hours. The officer
will be in charge of enforcing the church’s new ban on
the use of cell phones and the application of make-up
while walking on the path to enlightenment. Church
officials are also mulling over the possibility of
adding an express lane for licensed mystics.
Warned Sungen,
“If things don’t settle down, we’ll be forced to
close the labyrinth and folks will just have to go back
to the dark ages of reading their Bibles and meditating
on God’s word in private.” She added with a sigh,
“It’s too bad when a few bad eggs have to ruin
divine illumination for the rest of us.”
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