| The
scientific community was rocked this month when new
photographic evidence was presented which appears to
confirm the existence of a homonid species long
considered extinct by most experts: the elusive
Bible-carrying churchgoer. The photograph, taken
by Clem Pilsner, is the first known sighting of the
creature in twenty years which anthropologists have
officially named “Homo biblia sacra” or “Suburban
Bible Man.” If the photo is authentic, it would
be the first verification of the existence of this
Bible-toting species since the beginning of the Church
Growth era.
Pilsner, a
window washer from Ripley, Ohio, took the photo on
Sunday morning, January 16th, with his new Sprint
picture phone. “I was driving my truck to get
another six-pack before the (football) game when
something caught my eye,” he told The Sacred
Sandwich in an exclusive interview. “At
first glance it was just a dark figure walking across
First Church’s parking lot. But when I seen it
carrying a Bible, I about dropped my breakfast
burrito.” Fortunately, Pilsner was able to take
a quick snapshot with his cell phone before the creature
disappeared into the church building. “I’m
just thankful my horrified screams didn’t shake the
camera too much,” he added.
Deacon Horatio
Boomer, an official spokesman for First Church of
Ripley, refused to comment on the sighting. “We
don’t feel comfortable speculating on such fanciful
tales of fiction,” Boomer sternly announced before
heading toward the church building. “Now if
you’ll excuse me I have to get the church ready for
our Left Behind reader’s group.”
In stark
contrast to the church’s apparent skepticism, the
townspeople at Harry’s Diner were not surprised at
Pilsner’s shocking discovery. “We’ve been
hearing about this critter off and on for years,”
waitress Gloria Philpot explained. “Last year,
when Stu Murray claimed he’d seen it over at the
Catholic Church we laughed him out of the diner.
But when Clem interrupts his Sunday beer run to snap a
picture of the thing, you gotta take it seriously.
We're just glad he didn't have his gun at the time.”
While
specialists who have examined the photograph generally
agree that the Pilsner photo is not doctored, they
cannot verify that the object in the creature’s hand
is actually a Bible. An FBI document analyst,
Harold Tucker, has his doubts. “We’ve had
hundreds of sightings over the past three years,”
Tucker explained, “and inevitably they always turn out
to be holding copies of The Purpose Driven Life or
The Prayer of Jabez.” Tucker’s conclusions so
far? “Considering the lack of suit and tie on
the creature, my gut tells me we’re possibly looking
at an Xtreme Teen Bible, and not a King James.”
When asked if
this could be evidence of a new, evolved species of Homo
biblia sacra, Tucker replied, “Don't be stupid.
Christians don’t believe in evolution.” |
