Dear Twin Theologians: I caught my husband, Brad, in a major lie last week, but he says it's okay because King David lied in the Bible, too. Is he right? --- Marge Layton, Baton Rouge, LA

Maurice: Well, Marge, I think your husband's excuse is pretty lame. There's no way you can use David to justify lying, especially lying to your wife.

Emmett: I agree, Maurice. That's why I've recently written a new book that will help millions of people like Brad use the Bible more effectively. I've titled the book, "Justification by Proof-Text: 101 Biblical Loopholes for the Carnal Christian."

Maurice: You've GOT to be kidding.

Emmett: I know, I know. The title is a little weak, but I haven't figure out a way to put the words "purpose" and "driven" on the book cover without looking too obvious. Zondervan is watching, you know.

Maurice: And how in the world would your book help a scoundrel like Brad? Lying is a sin, isn't it? Case closed.

Emmett: The problem is, there are a lot of amateur theologians like Brad out there who have such a shallow understanding of Scripture that they just make the problem worse when they attempt to justify their behavior with a weak proof-text. In Brad's case, for instance, the proper scriptural reference to defend his lying is Abraham, not David. If his wife had been a halfway-decent Bible scholar, she would have chewed him up and spit him out.

Maurice: And this excuse for lying is in your book?

Emmett: Oh yeah. You'll find it in Chapter Three, which I've titled: "But I Was Only Lying to Protect You, Honey." That's where I cover the fibs of Abraham, Isaac, Rahab, and others. Of course, David lied, too, but most of his scriptural references are in Chapter Twelve: "Oops, I Just Killed My Mistress' Husband... My Bad!"

Maurice: And you have a publisher who will print this train wreck?

Emmett: I'm working on it. Right now I'm getting some real positive feedback from the Office Depot Copy Center. But hey, this puppy will market itself, brother. You'll see.

Maurice: Okay, I can't believe I'm asking this, but what does your book say is the biblical justification for... let's say... pornography.

Emmett: Easy... Song of Solomon. I mean, have you read some of those verses? C'mon, quit lobbing softballs, Maurice.

Maurice: Um, okay...

Emmett: By the way, Solomon is also a good excuse for having two wives. Kudos to Joseph Smith for that angle.

Maurice: Well, obviously if you try hard enough you can twist Scripture to justify any kind of behavior. For example, if Jesus supplied extra wine for a wedding reception, then surely He won't mind if I do some extra-hard partying every weekend.

Emmett: Hey, you've been sneaking a peek at my manuscript!

Maurice: Hardly.

Emmett: And yet you seem to grasp the Way of the Biblical Loophole so easily. Am I right?

Maurice: Exactly. In fact, I've got the perfect proof-text for you and your protégé Brad. But I doubt it's in your book.

Emmett: Lay it on me.

Maurice: "But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone: which is the second death." Revelation 21:8.

Emmett: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Maurice! Wait a minute! You just totally destroyed the whole basis for my book in that one verse! Egad, what have you DONE?!

Maurice: Didn't mean to burst your bubble, Emmett. All I can do is apologize by referencing Chapter Five from your book: "Sorry, But The Apostle Paul Would Have Thumped You, Too."

Emmett: Oh, man, this is bleak... I hope I can get my deposit back from Office Depot.