Emmett: Great question, Frank. Many people would be surprised to know that there is indeed a pail of orthodoxy in the Catholic church. After the Mass the priests use it to carry away the leftover body and blood of Christ so they can take it to the "dumpster of orthodoxy" out back...

Maurice: That's not true, Emmett.

Emmett: Okay, sometimes they use the "compost of orthodoxy," which is much kinder to the environment. The point is, when you magically transform bread and wine into the real presence of Christ, disposing every crumb and drop can be a tricky proposition. A good pail is just the solution.

Maurice: It's PALE of orthodoxy, not pail, Einstein. Catholics don't use a pail.

Emmett: Fine. As long as they don't keep it in Tupperware and put it in the fridge. A few weeks hiding behind the milk, and that's a science experiment waiting to happen.

Dear Twin Theologians: While having dinner at Denny's last night, my fiancée confessed that she's a 5-point Calvinist. Should I be concerned? ---Ted Smith, Birmingham, AL

Emmett: Yes, you should be very concerned. Have you seen what a kitchen at Denny's looks like?

Maurice: ...Talk about total depravity...