|
Dear
Twin Theologians: I'm a novice Christian blogger with a problem.
Recently, a frequent visitor to my site has been posting nasty,
derogatory comments just to tick me off. How do I get rid of him? ---
Odell Middleton, Fort Collins, CO
Maurice:
Thanks for the question, Odell. Sadly, you have acquired what is
known in the blogging world as a "Blog Troll." These are depraved
individuals who interlace their pseudo-intellectual comments with
obtuse rants and ad hominem attacks for the sole purpose of punishing
those who disagree with their "superior" view. Their primary source of
sustenance comes from your response. Any continued dialogue with them
will only lead to the trolls moving in and leaving large piles of
troll dung in every corner of your blog home. My advice: ban his sorry
IP address.
Emmett:
Au contraire, dear Maurice. The "IP ban" technique is a very inhumane and ineffective
tool that only leads to the "problem trolls" wandering loose through
the cyber-neighborhood and wreaking havoc elsewhere. You must get to
the root of the behavioral problem to completely solve this issue.
Maurice:
And when did you become such an expert on the subject, brother?
Emmett: You may not know this, Maurice, but I am well known
throughout the blogging community as the "Troll Whisperer."
Maurice:
The Troll Whisperer?
Emmett:
That's right. I have devoted my life to rehabilitating wayward blog
trolls and making blog owners more effective leaders through a
psychological methodology I call "Troll Control." In fact, after we
received this question, I had a private consultation
with Lydell and was able to track down his troll and bring
him with me today for a demonstration. Maurice, please say hello to "pomokid83."
Maurice:
Er... hello, troll.
pomokid83:
Nice to meet you, Maurice. Your reputation as a theologian is preceded
only by your horrendous breath. Seriously, did a possum crawl into
your mouth and die?
Emmett:
Tsss!!
pomokid83:
Ow! Quit jabbing me in the neck, dude!
Maurice:
Whoa, Emmett. Why'd you just poke him like that?
Emmett:
I applied a simple but sharp correction with my index and middle
finger to position myself as troll leader. We must distract the troll's
aggressive mindset and put him in a submissive state in order to
create acceptable behavior.
pomokid83:
Making me submissive could take a while, Emmett. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable...like
a coma.
Emmett:
Tsss!!
pomokid83:
Oww!
Maurice:
Is this really working, Emmett?
Emmett:
Patience, brother. Trolls are obstinate creatures who will try any
tactic to reassert dominance. Don't be surprised if he suddenly sprays
you with urine to mark his territory. Not that your polyester pants
couldn't repel it.
pomokid83:
Come on, guys, gimme a break! I am NOT a troll.
Emmett:
...... Yeah... riiight.
pomokid83:
No really,
I'm not a troll.
The only reason I commented on Odell's blog was
to refute his heretical Pelagian notion that man possesses an innate
goodness that allows him to freely choose between good and evil,
despite a slight proclivity towards sin. The dude completely ignored
my multiple scriptural citations supporting total depravity and the absolute necessity of
God’s work of grace in salvation. I was merely trying to reason with
him and he basically blew me off.
Emmett:
...... He did what?
pomokid83:
You heard me. If I'm a troll, then so was Augustine.
Emmett: Wow... this Odell guy sounds like a real piece of work.
pomokid83:
Tell me about it.
Emmett: Well, this is a little embarrassing. I guess I can take
the leash off you now.
pomokid83:
I'd appreciate it.
Maurice:
Whew, thank goodness we got that cleared up. Apparently a troll is in
the eye of the beholder. Got any other brilliant ideas,
Mr. Troll Whisperer?
Emmett:
Tsss!!
Maurice:
Oww!
Emmett:
Egads, the applications are endless!
|
